[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
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It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
This headline is a thing of beauty
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Don’t talk down to me
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
2023 was just a warmup
Pretty certain I can more drunk
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.