Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
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8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.