My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
You Might Also Like
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
secret recipe
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[canadians at you, canadianly]
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off