I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
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The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
subtitles are so good nowadays
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy