Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
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*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Eggs benadryl my favourite
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh