Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
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Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win