some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
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“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
my proudest tweet
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
If only.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
[the middle of showering] I need a break
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority