Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
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Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow