Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
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I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
This trial is so absurd 😭
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
<- sleeps well with others
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Breaking news:
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
No selfies while hijacking a train.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.