ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
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My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Sell your car
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Mood.. 😂