7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
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the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.