A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
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Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.