Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
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I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.