[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
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You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.