all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
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Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
who named him groot and not spruce lee
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank