Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
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WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
The days of good grammer has went
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.