ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
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My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.