[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
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There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.