Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
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My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Have kids, they said
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”