Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
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I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air