I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
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Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.