Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
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NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
They’re the worst 😩