[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
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Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
We decided to have money instead of children.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.