Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
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My neck, my back, my…
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’