Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
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‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.