Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
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I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Always
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain