What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
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I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.