Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
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i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*