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Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
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We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Ferrari squats
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.