DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
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As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.