The dark side of Canada
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Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day