It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
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1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.