“and how does that make you feel?”
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It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
live, laugh, laundry.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.