“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
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Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.