Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
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me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Real House Wines.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.