I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
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*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.