oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
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Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
screw you
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
(Gaming support cat.)
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now