[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
You Might Also Like
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.