If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
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What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
PARKOUR
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Need this in my life lol
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”