[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
You Might Also Like
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
🍛
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
“Huge”.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
This makes total sense…
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.