A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
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They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
This is my bus stop.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*