I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
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If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Well, shit