I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
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My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
My diet starts in January
of 2027
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-