Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
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The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”