We need to put an American base on the sun
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[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Dear Lord..
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
So sick of all these stupid rules
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.