Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
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i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs