You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
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I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Boom, boom, ching!
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.