“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
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I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars