i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
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Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”