Cats (2019)
You Might Also Like
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened